What Life is Like Growing Up Gay and How I Came to Accept My Brother

Homosexuality is a decisive issue in American politics today. Some politicians call for complete marriage equality, and others fight against any equality at all. However, since I am not gay, I cannot adequately explain what being gay is like, and what it is like to come out to family and friends. I do, however, have a gay brother, and I believe that telling his story will help others understand what life is like being gay, and how hard the coming out process can be. My method for doing this is through a pseudo-interview. This way, the questions are visible, and answers are easier to follow. My gay brother's name is Caleb. I'm Josh. My other siblings are Levi and Lydia. And the cousin mentioned is Dustin. I'm pointing all of this out so when the names appear in the interview, there is no confusion.

1. What are you currently doing with your life?

I am going to college and studying psychology.

2. Is there anything that makes you different from the average person?

I'm not like the majority of males.

3. How are you not?

I'm attracted to men.

4. When did you first realize you were attracted to men?

There is no specific time. But when I was 10 years old I didn't like girls, and I remember being scared of hitting puberty because then I wouldn't have an excuse as to why I didn't like girls.

5. When did you decide to come out?

I was 17 and it was either late May or early June. I was laying in my bed listening to my MP3 player, and I decided to start imagining what it would be like to come out. I started thinking about how my family and friends would react and how everyone would view me

6. What happened the day you came out?

I was at White Water Bay with my two brothers, sister, and mom. I had been telling myself everyday for the past month that today was the day I needed to come out. My mom told me three girls at the pool were looking at me and giggling. I responded that I didn't care. Then she asked me "what are you gay or something?" I paused, for what felt like at eternity. Then I took a deep breath and said yes. She said "yes what?" I said yes I'm gay. She said "no you're not," thinking I was joking. I told her I wasn't joking and began crying hysterically. It felt like the world was spinning. She began to cry also. We hugged, and she said it was time to go.

I went to the bathroom to compose myself, and when I had returned, my momma had told my siblings that I was gay.

The car ride home felt like an eternity. I knew I had to go home, and tell my dad. When we arrived, my mom went into my parents room where my dad was lying in bed watching TV. She told him first, and then I came in and said it to him. I cried and hugged him for five minutes.

Since I had to share a room with my brothers, and wanted to be alone, I laid in my sister's bed and cried myself to sleep. A couple hours later, my mom came in and woke me up. She said we needed to leave. We just drove aimlessly for awhile and she asked a lot of questions. We eventually went to dinner, but didn't eat much. After returning home, I slept more.

7. How did your siblings react?

Joshua spoke to me very little. Levi, upon finding out, said "So, I already knew he was gay." Eventually, all my immediate family came around.

8. How did your extended family react?

I came out in a different way to them. I wrote a universal letter and mailed it shortly after New Years, 2010. My biggest concern was my highly religious, ultra conservative grandma, who had said derogatory things in the past about gay people. And, just as expected, she was not happy. She called crying to say she still loved me, but I felt as though I was not truly accepted.

After she knew I was gay, me, my siblings, and my cousin Dustin were at her house helping her clean out the attic, and afterwards, while we were all sitting around on the couch, the subject of coffee came up. We mentioned liking Starbucks, and she said she didn't go there because "they supported gay rights." She paused briefly, seemingly to realize what she had done, and then said "that's neither here nor there." To this day, she avoids the topic like the plague.

10. How did your friends react?

They accepted me, and the fact that some of them were gay also did not hurt either.

11. Do you have any advice for others who may be afraid to come out?

I would say it's like ripping off a band-aid. It may hurt at first, but it is ultimately unavoidable. It will take courage.

12. How do current up-and-coming conservative politicians, like Rick Santorum or Michelle Bachmann, make you feel with their openness against gay marriage?

Although you are not supposed to do single-issue voting, when it comes to an issue of equality, the time is always now.

When Caleb first came out, I was mortified. I thought to myself, my brother is GAY? Growing up as a conservative Christian, being a homosexual was clearly not acceptable. God's word was clear, and there was no reason to debate about it. The ways of the world would never measure up to God's ultimate standard. I did not even want to look at him.

My mom had a talk with me the day he came out, and she told me we were not going to treat him any differently. I agreed with her, but I still thought reparative therapy was something worth looking into. I even told my mom he should speak to our pastor about this, because he was probably just really confused. I was hopeful that he could either change, or this was simply a phase he was going through and would grow out of.

Caleb had acted differently all of his life, much more effeminate than most young boys. His voice was more high pitched, and at one family gathering he was afraid to even step off of a sidewalk (I still joke with him about it now). He enjoyed playing with barbies more than baseballs. It made me suspicious, but I fought the thoughts that continually crept into my head.

Now that I accept him, it is hard for me to understand exactly how I ever didn't when he first came out. The thought that he would have ever been forced into reparative therapy is repulsive. I look back on my former self with contempt, thinking how could I be so insensitive and careless with regards to human beings that may have a sexual orientation different than my own? However, what also helped was that I began to step away from my conservative Christianity, and see it as insufficient to deal with the current realities of life.

Denying evolution occurred, preaching against homosexuality, and demonizing every abortion as the murder of a human being are no longer viable beliefs I can intellectually honestly hold. Evolution is accepted by almost every scientist on the face of the earth, with much evidence to boot. Research on homosexuality has shown it's not a choice. And abortion is a complex issue that does not break down into a simple right and wrong answer. My brother, along with the university life, taught me to be much more tolerant of opinions that differed from mine, because I could be wrong, as I was when I was against gay marriage.

With more life experience, sometimes (though not in all cases), more knowledge also results. And my brother has helped understand this. He taught me that just because I may have held a belief for an extended period of time (from about 9 to 20, when I was old enough to understand being gay was wrong, to the time my brother came out), that does not mean it is true. When evidence changes, so should the belief.